写文书丨高调的炫,不如低调的酷

 

想必很多正在写文书的同学,都在苦苦挣扎,想要写出精彩的好文书。

 

有的同学费劲洪荒之力,数尽从小到大的牛逼经历,都不能打动招生官。

 

而有的同学,却能通过三言两语,让读者脑洞打开,get到言外之意。

 

今天,我们通过两篇Collegeboard公布的范文,来分析一下,这个名为 Show rather than Tell 的功力。

 

 Collegeboard Sample College

Essay 1

(Weak) 

 

From the time I was able to realize what a university was, all I heard from my mother's side of the family was about the University of Michigan and the great heritage it has. Many a Saturday afternoon my grandfather would devote to me, by sitting me downin front of the television and reminiscing about the University of Michigan while half time occurred during a Michigan Wolverines football game. Later, as I grew older and universities took on greater meaning, my mother and uncle, both alumni of the University of Michigan, took me to see their old stamping grounds. From first sight, the university looked frightening because of its size, but with such a large school comes diversity of people and of academic and non-academic events.

第一段太长,句子也长,看着觉得累。家人的影响,一两句话稍稍带过就好。

而且逻辑不通:

X 因为家人来UMich念书,所以我来这里念书...

  因为家人来UMich念书,所以我也很了解这个学校,于是让我有强烈的愿望...

 

In Springfield High School, non-academic clubs such as the Future Physicians and the Pylon, both of which I have belonged to for two years, give me an opportunity to see both the business world and the medical world. These two clubs have given me a greater sense of what these careers may be like.

 

In Future Physicians, I participated in field trips to children's hospitals and alsoparticipated in two blood banks.

 

Currently I hold a job at Maas Brothers. This lets me interact with people outside my own immediate environment. I meet different kinds of people, in different moods, with different attitudes, and with different values. This job teaches me to be patient with people, to have responsibility, and to appreciate people for what they are.

文章没有重点,几乎每一段都可以分割出来,每一段都只有流水账地列出自己的各种经历和背景,但没有细节去描述和展开,只是泛泛而谈。更没有设法跟学校联系在一起,找不到其他跟学校的切合点,而只是罗列近三年的 activities。

 

In the community I am active in my church Youth Group. As a high school sophomore, I was our church's representative to the Diocesan Youth Fellowship. I helped organize youth group events, the largest being "The Bishop's Ball", a state-wide event for 300 young people. I also played high school junior varsity soccer for two years. As a senior I will be playing varsity soccer, but in the off-season.

 

As a junior I coached a girls' soccer team for the town. This gave me a great deal of responsibility because the care of twenty-four girls was put into my custody. It felt very satisfying to pass on the knowledge of soccer to another generation. The girls played teams from other parts of Florida.

 

Though their record was 3-8, the girls enjoyed their season. This is what I taught them was the greatest joy of soccer.

 

The past three years of my life have given me greater visions of my future. I seethe University of Michigan as holding a large book with many unread chapters and myself as an eager child who has just learned to read. I intend to read and probe into all the chapters.The University of Michigan offers me more than the great reputation of this fine school, but a large student body with diverse likes and dislikes, and many activities, both academic and non-academic, to participate in. With the help of the University of Michigan, I will be successful after college and be able to make a name and place for myself in our society.

这里只是很虚地提及学校有很多活动可以参加,但是具体有些什么活动吸引你,你想参加哪个...,都没有写出来,只是泛泛而谈。也没有跟自己以往的活动联系起来,即以前做过什么/擅长什么 + U Mich有什么 = 我想参加

 

Collegeboard Sample College

Essay 2

Strong

 

 

My most important experience sought me out. It happened to me; I didn't cause it.

有趣的开头,从语言表达上 sought me out It happened to me; I didnt cause it 就可看出作者的一大性格特点——被动

文章开头设悬念,塑造“宿命感”:让人不禁好奇,你的 most important experience 究竟是什么?它如何happened to 学生?

 

My preferred companions are books or music or pen and paper. I have only a small circle of close friends, few of whom get along together. They could easily be counted "misfits". To be plain, I found it quite easy to doubt my ability to have any sort of "close relationship."

“我最好的朋友是书、音乐、笔和纸”,简单一句话就将“nerd”的形象生动地塑造出来了,而nerd这个词却从未出现过。

 

After the closing festivities of Andover Summer School this past summer, on the night before we were scheduled to leave, a girl I had met during the program's course approached me. She came to my room and sat down on my bed and announced that she was debating with herself whether she wanted me to become her boyfriend.She wanted my reaction, my opinion.

学生没有在文章中写到“我学习很厉害”,但是通过他参加“Andover Summer School”这个信息点,就能含蓄而又霸气侧漏地告诉大家,我是个学霸。(注:Andover 是波士顿附近顶级牛校,能去Andover参加夏校的学生,都是佼佼者)。

 

I was startled,to say the least, and frightened. I instantly said, "No." I told her I on no account wanted this and that I would reject any gestures she made towards starting a relationship. I would ignore her entirely, if need be. I explained that I was a coward. I wanted nothing whatsoever to do with a relationship. I talked a lot and very fast.

 

To my surprise, she did not leave instantly. Instead, she hugged her knees and rocked back and forth on my bed.I watched her from across the room. She rocked, and I watched. Doubts crept up on me. Opportunity had knocked and the door was still locked.It might soon depart.

通过动作的细节描写,形象地突出了女生表白后等待男生肯定时的紧张与不安。

 

"I lied," I said. "I was afraid of what might happen if we became involved. But it's better to take the chance than to be afraid."

 

She told me she knew I had lied. I had made her realize, though, how much she actually wanted me to be her boyfriend. We decided to keep up a relationship after Andover.

 

Even then, I was not sure which had been the lie. Now I think that everything I said may have been true when I said it. But I'm still not sure.

 

I learned, that night, that I could be close to someone. I also realize, now, that it doesn't matter whether or not that person is a misfit; the only important thing is the feeling, the closeness, the connection. As long as there is something between two people -- friendship, love, shared interests, whatever else -- it is a sign that there can be some reconciliation with fear, some "fit" for misfits. And it shows that fear need not always win, that we can grow and change, and even have second chances.

从第二段的“I have only a small circle of close friends”,到本段的“I learned, that night, that I could be close to someone. 能体现出作者从很少敞开心扉与人交往到能勇敢接受一段感情的成长。

 

I am still seeing her.

很短的结尾,未完待续,让人意犹未尽。